I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
