girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
