You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
