I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
