Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize