Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
