Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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