I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
