I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
