He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
