Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
