so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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