why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i love accidental penises.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
