nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
