My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
