Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I don't deserve a penis
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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