Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
