I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
