Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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