I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
