just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
being pregnant is like rehab
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
