i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
