dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
