the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
