So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
