apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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