I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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