The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
