i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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