Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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