I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
