and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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