I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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