neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize