I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
