He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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