sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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