I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
