So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
