I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
