It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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