Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
