LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
