Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
