I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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