dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
