He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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