I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize