My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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