my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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