I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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