I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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