I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
