This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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