I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
