I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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