was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
