I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
