the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
