Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
