we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
