What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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