Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
That accounts for only three of the penises
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
