she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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