I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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