We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
