she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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